VBS: Value Basic Survival

Ahhh, summer. Tis the season of Vacation Bible School, a time when eager parents seek out free babysitting and naïve volunteers finally understand why so many elementary educators end up in straight jackets.

Our church completed this year’s VBS session last week (which means we’re all in a state of euphoria this week), and I’ve decided to share a few of the lessons that I learned during my tenure as maestro of the preschool class.

#1) If you aren’t scheduled to visit the snack station first, you’re screwed.

It doesn’t matter if you’ve fed your child a Thanksgiving feast before VBS; like me, they come to church for the food. Thus, one verse into the first song on the first day, I felt a tug on my shorts and heard a little voice whisper, “When’s snack?” Looking at my schedule, I sadly discovered that we were slated to have snack last, right before the closing session.

And for the next four days, I was asked “When is snack?” and plaintively told “But I’m hungry now” four-thousand-six-hundred-and-fifty-eight times. No lie. My co-teacher Selena kept a tally to ensure this blog’s historical accuracy.

So if you want to have even a sliver of a chance at keeping the kids’ attention on the lesson, you better bring some food: “Okay, guys, we’re talking about Gideon and the Midianites today, and do you know what the Midianites liked to eat? This giant ass tub of cheese balls. Have at it, kids.”

#2) There’s a sure-fire way to get kids to be still and listen. You don’t know it.

My VBS preschool materials came with lessons that matched up with that of the older classes. Which was cool…in theory.

As I carefully planned out the lesson for the first day, I imagined smiling, angelic faces looking back at me, lapping up every bit of biblical wisdom I cast their way.

But around 42 seconds into a story about Joseph being forced into slavery, I looked up to see one child running from window to window, snatching up all of the stuffed animals that decorated our “campsite”; my son giving the “I’m watching you” signal to the décor thief because they were his stuffed animals from home; another child trying to escape out the door without being noticed; and a fourth staring into space while quietly muttering, “snack…”

And every day, we pressed through the story amid interruptions, potty breaks, and thievery, and everyday I thought about replacing it with a game of “Jesus, Jesus, God” (modeled after “Duck, Duck, Goose”) and letting them pick up a Bible on their own time.

#3) Kids ask some weird questions, but that’s better than an over-share.

During the course of a 4-day VBS, you will be flooded with inexplicable and outlandish questions, such as this gem, “Miss Kate, what does wind taste like?” The key is to be both honest and direct: WTF, kid? I don’t know. If PBS hasn’t taught you this by now, then I don’t know why you’re bringing it to my door. Jesus says quit asking stupid questions and go back to your seat.

Of course, strange, unanswerable questions are always preferable to the random over-shares that kids like to spew out into the universe: “I sing ‘Jesus Loves Me’ while I poop.”/ “If I bees quiet, I can hear ghostes in our basement.” / “My mom said her legs are spikey today” (thanks, Suttie).  

#4) VBS is a little less fun when your mom’s there.

Part of the fun of VBS is being able to escape your parents for a little while…except if you’re Suttie or me; both of our moms were there. My mom was heading up the music for the opening and closing sessions, and of course, I was Suttie’s teacher.

Now, I have to tell you that, despite being 29 and 1 year old, I still look to see if my mama’s giving me the stink eye in church.

And, poor Suttie, when the other kids did roundhouse kicks during storytime or colored their eyelids at the craft table, I would say, “No, sweetie, we shouldn’t do that.” But when Suttie asked for a different colored marker, my eyes filled with hellfire as I growled, “Are you kidding me? Do you think God had twelve different markers to choose from when he wrote the Ten Commandments? That’s strike one, son.” The poor kid didn’t have a chance.

#5) Kids’ feet are more than gross; they’re straight-up nasty.

If there’s one part of the human body that God could go back to the drawing board for, I’m guessing it’d be feet. Seriously, you have to pretty messed up to want to deal with feet (yeah, I’m looking at you podiatrists, you sick sons of bitches).

But somewhere in the Bible, Jesus washed feet and now it’s trending on Twitter, so part of the VBS lesson involved washing the children’s feet.

Now, I know, I know. Jesus did it, so it shouldn’t be a big deal. But Jesus had a supernatural gag reflex and obviously wasn’t washing the feet of the shoeless Victorian street urchins that apparently occupied my classroom.

And I don’t know why I was surprised because one of those urchins was mine, who I’ve personally seen wander barefoot through the yard without concern for mud, mulch, or doggie doo. But it is another experience entirely when it’s not your kid and not your dog’s doo.

And this is where I suggest disposable baby wipes because if Jesus had them, I’m pretty sure he would have used them. Even with these bad boys, I checked for two days to make sure that my fingernails weren’t trying to fall off.

#6) You’re old now, and the arm motions that go along with the songs will make you sore for a week.

What happened to VBS music? I remember when I was a kid, we rocked out to “The B-I-B-L-E” and “The Wise Man Built His House Upon a Rock,” but these days the music has to come with a hipster-styled music video and a complex routine choreographed by Beyoncé. I should have been doing Zumba since January to prepare for this shit.

#7) Just because it’s church doesn’t mean that you won’t be gut-checked.

Kids will tell you the truth, especially when it hurts. Which is why, one little darling turned to me and said, “Miss Kate, you say ‘awesome’ too much.” Really? Really?! Well, you have a bat in the cave at this very moment, so maybe we need to check ourselves before we wreck ourselves.

           

Or this sweet nothing from day 2, “Miss Kate, I liked the teacher from last week’s VBS better.” First of all, good lord, parents, how many VBS programs are you sending your kids to? For real. I’m gonna need names and addresses here. Denomination doesn’t matter – Methodist, Baptist, Hindi, Orthodox Greek. Whatever. If they have a loose drop off and pick up policy, I’m in.

Second, I liked your teacher from last week better too…because it wasn’t me.

#8) You’ll show up again next year.

And yet despite all of the inattentiveness, the snack-mongering, the dusty feet, the insane questions, the insults…nevermind, run.